Here is a song I wrote and sing on from a couple of years ago. This is by The Hannies, a fictional, humor oriented, internet band, my good friend George Harris and I created. We all have various “Hannie” stage names. I am “Works” Hannie. Here is one of our many Christmas songs. “Putting On the Pounds For Christmas.”
I was wondering if the website BlogHer would let me join them and write there. I realize it’s supposed to be primarily for women bloggers writing about women’s’ interests. I also know that if you look hard enough you will find the owners of BlogHer saying they welcome anyone to join them and contribute. I think they have to say that. A look around the site will quickly show you that they really are for, and by women.
Now I think that’s great. And I wouldn’t want to be the one the ends up spoiling the party for everyone there. If somehow I got in, then I could understand the fear, that soon the floodgates would open. Now instead of articles pertaining to lifestyle issues or crafting, there would be posts about building guns out of furniture and full contact bocce’ matches.
In my defense I would say I’m not inclined to overly macho themes. Although I do tend to write a lot about myself. So I think I just insulted myself. But that aside, I may have something to offer the female reader. What you may ask? Allow me to elaborate on how I came to think I had something to offer.
During numerous visits to doctors’ offices I have found myself reading everything, including “Highlights” in the waiting room. I also have read numerous womens’ magazines. The few articles written by men usually fall into these typical categories.
The Doctors. Well educated experts, often focusing on issues of women’s health. I admit, I’m not qualified in this category. I don’t have a doctorate in anything. The only thing I know about “women’s problems”, is I’ve been told over the years by many, I’m their main one.
“I’ve studied your problem and I haven’t a clue.”
The Handyman. Mr. Home Repair, Bob the Builder all growed up. Not me. Whenever there is a home repair job around the house, I’m the last guy you want attempting it. I recently put in a new wash tub next to the washer. When it was over the plumber had to install a new main sewer line. My wife wants me to install a new door knob for the bedroom door. I told her “You realize before it’s over we will need a new wall?” Maybe that’s her plan. The simplest home repair for me suddenly becomes a scene from a Jerry Lewis movie.
The Chef. Recipes, cooking tips, how to turn Fritos into a gourmet meal. This is not my area of expertise. I don’t think the world is ready for my recipe for “Chicken La Whip” or as it is known by those who witnessed it, microwaved chicken thighs in Miracle Whip.
Remember ladies! When adding the hot chicken to the Miracle Whip, no measuring, or the use of utensils is necessary.
The Physical Fitness Instructor. Aerobics, yoga, tai chi, running, weight lifting, nope, I don’t do any of them.
The Dietitian. Improve your health and quality of life by learning to eat healthy vitamin rich foods. Organically grown, non processed, chemical free, no added sugar or artificial flavors. Ok, this one makes me laugh. Which can be uncomfortable to do when you’re eating a donut.
“I’ll be with you in a moment my dear, just as soon as I get rid of this thing in my fork hand.”
Celebrities and Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. I haven’t a clue. I couldn’t even be one of their gardeners. Although that may be for the best since I’ve been know to make hedges after trimming look like wisps of dead trees after a forest fire.
So none of the classic “Male” contributor categories would fit for my writing at BlogHer.
So what do I have to offer? Well I’ll tell you. I can offer this:
No, I don’t own the Mona Lisa and I paint like a toddler. I mean this:
I’m talking about that look on her face. I’m referring to her smile. I don’t claim to have great knowledge to share or advice that will change your life. But I have been known to provoke a smile or two. Ask anyone who ever seen me try to be romantic. I write my little poems daily. Occasionally some longer form prose. But my goal is to provide some humor. Perhaps a laugh, at least a smile. Even those who think my writing is foolishness on parade smile at my ineptitude. Really could any woman, or man for that matter, object to having a reason to smile? If only for a moment?
November is the beginning of the eating season. The consuming of a variety of delicious foods begins in full, until one is almost tempted to moderate their intake of food. This slight temptation of moderation is almost always ignored. The desire to continue to gorge oneself is followed in the spirit of good companionship and custom.
“Hello dear. I made you this little snack to hold you over until dinner.”
Technically the eating begins October 31st. This is when the large quantities of Halloween candy become available. Having your own children to go trick or treating brings a large supply of candy into your home. Now it’s a parent’s duty to make sure children don’t overdo the consumption of candy. So in the interest of tooth cavity prevention, or not spoiling their appetites for dinner, or just insuring they don’t eat too much sugar, a parent has no choice but to eat much of this bounty.
You can’t be wasteful. It would be wrong to just throw it out. And as I learned as a child “There are starving children in the world who would be glad to eat what you have.” So in the interest of solving world hunger. You must eat the candy. Especially the chocolate.
“I’m eating this second helping for the sake of starving children everywhere.”
If you don’t have kids you still have a large supply of candy that you bought to give out to the trick or treaters. Even though there hasn’t been more than a half dozen kids come to your door on Halloween since 1978, you buy a large supply of your favorite treat in case there was a secret baby boom in your neighborhood.
In the ensuing days at many workplaces there are bowls of candy brought in by fellow co-workers who desire to get rid of it so they don’t overindulge. Of course you must help them out.
“Usually I don’t eat candy bars, but to help you get rid of it I’ll just take this bowl.”
These extra supplies along with your own, help you survive to the big event. The Super Bowl of eating, Thanksgiving Dinner. This is the big one. The grandaddy meal of the year. One is expected to over indulge at this meal. It’s a tradition. It’s almost a competition to see who can eat more. The gluttons favorite holiday.
If you are real lucky, you may have to visit in-laws and parents on Thanksgiving. Each relation outdoing the other in the extravagance of the meal. This is an evening worth training for. One must not disappoint friends and family. A good size portion of every dish must be consumed to make your host or hostess feel they are appreciated.
“Three more meals to go. Give me strength oh Lord.”
The most amazing thing about the Thanksgiving event, is several hours after eating to the point of feeling you may explode, you’re ready to break out the leftovers for another round.
“I’m just putting the leftover turkey away honey!”
Now the festivities really pick up. At schools, in the office, in every institution you can think of, even on battlefields, holiday parties kick into full gear. There is food brought in from home. There is food made for parties. Special food is prepared at restaurants and grocery stores. Pies, cakes, confections of every kind. Food is everywhere. And so are you. Dutifully sampling and enjoying all of it.
All this overeating is paying off. Your stomach has stretched and expanded allowing you to consume larger and larger quantities of food. And just in time too. For now it’s time for the big holiday meal. Whether you celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah, or Festivus or any other holiday, there is usually a big meal involved. It’s a sequel to the Thanksgiving meal. Sequels sometimes can be better than the original. But even if it’s not, it’s still going to be a whale of a meal.
‘Here ‘s yours honey. You go ahead and start eating while I go get mine.”
Things begin to wind down slightly at this point. There are still plenty of leftover holiday cakes and pies. Health clubs begin to run advertisements for all the new years resolutions that people will soon be making. But before vowing to exercise and eat less there is one more dining extravaganza. New Years Eve and Day.
Many people choose to end the old year and start the new one by eating and drinking to excess. In large areas of the northern hemisphere it is customary to ring in the new year with a large meal of pork and sauerkraut.
Prepare to not use the top button on your pants for the rest of the week.
The pork can also be substituted with kielbasa or if you are so inclined hot dogs. Kosher is available. Nothing is a more memorable way to start the new year than to have the joyous feeling of gaseous sauerkraut bloat.
“Did you enjoy the sauerkraut Uncle Arthur?”
So concludes another successful eating season. Oh there will be little events to remind you of the yearly overindulgence. Birthday parties, weddings, Valentines Day, Easter, various summer events, but nothing is quite as momentous as the two months that conclude the year. So here is to a great eating season. And may you enjoy preparing for another year.
The costumed children at my door, who come to trick or treat. Each year try to scare me, which is not an easy feat. But this year they made terror strike, afraid I wished to flee. They made me more than afraid, when they appeared disguised, as me.
Every year at Halloween, children trick and treat at my door. They enjoy my treats of candy, but they also get much more. The get a thrill from my appearance, the say my costume causes fright. It’s funny cause I've never, wore one on that night.