March 13, 2015

My Unused Award Acceptance Speeches

While rummaging through my old sock drawer. (Where I keep my old socks for special occasions.)
I found an envelope that contained some acceptance speeches I wrote long ago, for major awards that I
never had a chance of ever winning.
But I’ve always have been one who believed in being prepared.
So as reality has replaced the delusion of youth,
I would like to present for your reading pleasure,
and because I never let anything go to waste,

My Unused Award Acceptance Speeches

The Academy Award
Thank you, Thank you.
This is a complete surprise.
I never imagined this could happen.
I wish I would have written something down just in case
something like this unlikely event would of occurred.
I guess I’ll just have to wing it.
There are far too many people I need to thank for getting me to this
place in my life.
I’ll not try to name them all at this time.
You know who you are.
I would just like to thank the members of the Motion Picture Academy for voting for me.
And I would like to take this opportunity to announce my fees have just went up.
Thank you.

The Grammy Award
Thank you.
I never thought my album of Gregorian Dubstep Polkas
would even be nominated, let alone win this prestigious award.
In this day and age, where form often is more important than substance,
it is often difficult for the public to keep up with all the latest styles and trends.
My winning of the Grammy brings my music to the attention of many people
who like to keep abreast of the latest “Hip” thing.
To that end may I recommend buying several copies, or downloading from the website address the good TV folks are
superimposing below me right now, collections of my music, so you may keep up on the latest popular trend in music,
and newest trend setter, and hipster, me.
You may also while you’re at it, get copies of my previous works so you can appreciate the progression and
artistic qualities of my music.
I also have cds and various paraphernalia at a table set up in the lobby.
I’ll be more than happy to sign any purchased item or pose for pictures for a small fee.
Thank you again.

The Tony Awards
Thank you so very much.
What a thrill to win the Tony.
An award that I always felt was so appropriately named for the theater.
As a thespian treading the boards one comes across so many Tonys,
stagehands, hairdressers, angry union bosses.
It just sums up that certain “Je ne sais quoi” that even the lowest peon of the theater possess.
Of course the Tony opens the door to opportunity that most in the theater arts seek.
The chance to appear on television and movies.
I already have an offer for a reality show and possibly a film.
So I thank you, and bid you “au revoir”.

The Pulitzer Prize
I would like to thank the judges for selecting me to
win this years Pulitzer Prize for writing.
Since the conquest of Earth last year by our benevolent Alien overlords,
it has been necessary to combine all categories of the Pulitzer into one single award.
I am deeply humbled to win as a representative of all writing this year.
Of course I can’t help but think that I seem to be the only known writer still in existence since our other worldly
masters have outlawed writing and punished with extinction any found engaging in it.
Still I find it gratifying to know you believed that I would have the bravery to accept this award,
knowing that revealing myself as a writer would subject me to capture and extermination.
I also find it humbling to realize how many of you deeply desired that I be singled out for this distinguished honor.
I will cut this short because I think I hear approaching alien war machines.
But from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

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